Poor Baby Teenager

I watched a special about a teenager stuck in the body of a toddler. For most of her 16 years, this girl has not grown beyond that of a two year old. Mentally, she's stuck at nine months old. I can't even imagine what that family has been through. For the special, of course, everyone put on their smiles. "She's so loving." "She's a miracle baby." The father even went as far as to say that "if someone had a pill to 'fix' her" he would tell them "one, she's not broken, and two, no thanks." That she was fine as she is. Yeah, right!

While mom, dad, two older sisters, one younger sister, and grandparents may all love the girl, I can't imagine anyone not wanting to see her grow up. As it stands right now, she will forever need someone to care for her. She can't talk, can't walk, and can't even eat normally. She is as the show called her, a child frozen in time. She is blessed with what looked like a large and loving family. So there's a saving grace, seeing as how mom and dad can't live forever. No one even knows how long she will live, since her genes don't age.

Seriously.... I can't even imagine being in any one of their shoes. I mean mentally slow developed individuals get frustrated over time. And here's a permanantly nine month year old mental status? I'm not saying that all families with disabled individuals would want their family members "fixed", but this poor kid will always be completely dependant and never able to fully express herself. Sure she may never know the difference, but I can't believe her father wouldn't want more for her. I mean c'mon, even the mother goes out of her way NOT to dress the girl in baby looking clothes. She's 16 and the mother tries to dress her like a big girl.

I don't know. It's kinda sad. I mean lots of mentally slow people go on to live semi-independant lives. And physically disabled individuals overcome challenges everyday. But this girl's got the worst of both worlds, essentially. I know she'll be loved. But no one wants to be a baby all their lives. And no sane parent wants their child to be a baby forever. I dunno.. I'm babbling. I think the dad should have said yes, he would have taken the pills to help his kid. Doesn't make him a bad guy to want more for her. If he was worried he'd look like a jerk, he could have said, "she's not broken, but yeah for her sake..."

On the other hand.. God has certainly tested their patience. And from the looks of things, that family has passed. Good for them. And they've been blessed with loving and supportive daughters and extended family and even granted aid for the girl's medical needs.

Pre Dawn Tears and New Fears

It seems I have a new routine. I'm not sure how it got started, but I wish it would stop. For the past week or two, my usual routine of stay up late stalling to clean the kitchen or killing time online til almost dawn has changed. Oh, I still stay up late, but now... now in that really quiet couple of hours before dawn, I cry.

I'm not sure what triggered it. One too many sad conversations or thoughts. I know one day when I first pulled out a CD Josh made, it made me sad when I was playing it. Maybe that was the trigger for that day. But now. Before I do the dishes, after... when I'm trying to fall asleep.... At some point, the slightest sad thing will set me off. I was watching a movie last night, and a kinda sad seen set me off. It was sad enough for a tear or two, no more, under normal circumstances.

I don't know... I try not to cry in front of Mom. Maybe holding back too much for the past few months is trying to break free? I still keep silent, even though she's asleep. Even though I wish I could scream out, I keep silent.

I wish it would stop. It's made for rather depressing couple of weeks. I put up the front when talking to everyone. I don't want to sound like a broken record or bum anyone else out. Funny, considering I encourage everyone else to talk to me so they're not trapped with their thoughts or emotions alone.

On the scary side of things, a minor scare.... I fracked up my banking by paying a bill I only thought I had money for... That's gonna be fun to replace the funds before auto withdrawal payments bounce. >.< Honestly, as careful as I am with banking, I don't know HOW I let that happen.

On a serious side... It's a little scary to hear both your parents talking similarly on being afraid they won't wake up from their sleep and on some level it seems both wouldn't care if they didn't wake up. I know I'm 29 and should be self-sufficient. But whether I am or not I am not ready to lose either one of my parents. Not now. Not yet. I know they're both hurting, but it is still scary to hear however small a degree that they might not mind not waking up one morning. I mean before we heard the autopsy report, we all thought Josh had just given up and his body simply complied. Dear Lord, please help my have the strength to carry on.....

To Call or Not To Call

I was cleaning out my cell phone's Recent Call logs...and I came across the number I've been saving there for months. I set it aside with intention of calling back. But here we are, four and a half months later, and I still haven't called Charice back.

The night she called, I remember thinking I didn't feel like talking to her. We'd been out to the movies, come back and visited here at the house, and it was a good day that I just didn't want to ruin with a phone call. Yeah, calls and visits with Charice can go either way. We were best friends in junior high, but we grew so far apart in the following years. The out of the blue calls or visits are on the weird side now. Sometimes it's great to catch up, other times it's like ugh...can we say goodbye now.

I didn't recognize the number when it came in, but she left a message on voicemail. So I told myself I'd call back the next day or in a few days..... The next day, she was the last thing on my mind.

Now after four months, I don't even know if I should bother. I mean how's that conversation going to go? "Sorry I didn't call you back. But the day after you called, my brother died." Yeah, there's a fun conversation. But at the same time, I feel bad for not calling. I mean friends come and go in those school years. But no matter how far apart we grew, she'd still call now and then.

Last time I saw her, I just happened to run into her at a bus stop. What are the chances, right? She was going into rehab. I can't even remember where her son was or who he was staying with. It was like the month of or before our first move. So at least she knows I don't live in Anaheim anymore.

Guess I should call her back. She keeps in touch however sparingly for a reason. And I suppose it'll be nice to talk to the girl who saved me from loneliness 7th grade. Plus, who else can I reminisce with about playing Barbies. :P

And then what happened?

Sooo... I'm terrible at keeping people posted. For those who were worried, the silence from my mother actually broke like hour or two after that last post. And within a day or so, she was back to her normal-ish self.

I got a much needed break from the house. Nothing energizes me like Disneyland does. Chrissi kidnapped me for two whole days. Okay a day and a half. We spent the evening at Dis. It's funny. We mostly just walked. I mean we tried to get on Space Mountain, but as usual, when our forces are combined, stuff breaks down. Waited in that line only to leave it half way through it. Ah, well. We walked and talked. It was just a nice night. Packed as it was, it was still just sooo nice to walk around there. And we did get on a ride. Okay, so we had to wait til they repaired it or whatever, curse our combined forces. :P But we waited it out, cuz it was almost closing time and it was our last chance to get on a ride.

Spent the night at her place. Movies, bookstore, OC Fair.... Good food, good fun... Hehe... I expected to bring back the sour cherry balls from Dis, but I brought back a book and yummy fruit from the fair, and some earrings, and a huge empty cup. Why on earth did I drink so much lemonade? :P I got home just under midnight. All and all an awesome weekend! So, Issi, in case I didn't say it enough then, THANK YOU!

We, Mom and I, have made the freakish discovery that Pixie, my two year old kitty is actually heavier than Oreo, my big eleven year old! I mean it's true, it is getting harder to tell them apart. But side by side, Pixie still looks smaller than Oreo, especially in the head. :P One day her head will catch up to her body, I hope.... But dude, I pick her up and she feels soooooo much heavier than Oreo! He's just fluffy? Okay, okay, the theory is, she's got more muscle than Oreo. She does do alot more running around than he does. And oy, will this shedding never end! If this keeps up, pretty soon, Mom and I will be coughing up furballs. Yuck.

Soooo, I'm doing things backwards... I like meant to watch Harry Potter 1-5 before going.. But Mom wanted to watch with, and so I waited... and waiting leads to forgetting... So come this past Saturday, Issi, her mom, and I went to see Harry Potter 6. Now 1-3 I've seen like a million times, 3 is my favorite and we always watch them in order. We've seen 4 a few times, cuz we saw it at the theatre, during a successful marathon, and then once before we saw the 5th movie. But 5, well.... I taped it when we got HBO, but er, uh... Yeah, so I only had the vague memory of when we saw it at the theatre. :P I mean it was fine. I had enough of it in my head not to be totally lost. And despite what some critics I saw somewhere said, I liked the movie. :) Lots of fun lil moments and some really cool moments... And now I can't get the visual of the professor knitting out of my head! :P Anyway... Since then, Mom and I have watched a Potter movie a night.. well not EVERY night. We just watched my fave, 3, last night. So we just have 4 and 5 left, and yay, I actually have 5 on DVD now. :D Thank you, Daddy.

Hmm.. Well, I've babbled enough. And I should get my tidying up chores done, so I can finish my current book, so I can take a new book when Mom and I run errands tomorr.... er... today.... And hopefully, today's date won't be yet another montly reminder for Mom.... Hopefully...