On My Mind.....

I miss:

• our late night talks that went on for hours
• losing at video games and laughing about it
• being introduced to new music that I probably never would have heard otherwise
• the way I was teased for playing Magic
• help with all things computer related
• being lifted off the ground in a bear hug
• our games of imagination with GI Joe toys
• collecting comic character cards
• joking and laughing together

I won't miss:

• his smiling face
• the way he says Mooommm/Daaaadd when they say something funny
• his face whenever someone says something funny
• his voice saying Ha Ha
• his laugh

So much I miss. Some because we stopped playing when he went to high school. Some because he got more involved with friends and his computer games. Some because of the fact that we moved into separate households. But I've missed everything all the more since last April.

Then there are the things I won't miss. Because I still see his smiling face everyday. No, I'm not staring at his pictures for hours a day or even a week. Mostly, I see his face in varying ages whenever I close my eyes. I can't help but to smile, even for a moment, when I do. I can see him making faces at Mom or Dad and giving his typical replies whenever they teased him. And every now and then I can hear his laugh when we saw something genuinely funny or were joking around.

I miss him alot. And as the day we lost him approaches, he's on my mind more and more. But I praise God for all the glimpses of him that I do get. I thank God for the dreams depicting my brother happy and laughing. Those dreams, those glimpses, they make me think he's okay. Rather I feel it. Maybe because I want it bad enough, maybe it's God's way of telling me he's okay, or maybe Josh himself. From what we knew of where he stood with God and faith, the teachings I grew up with in church say he's not okay. But I can't help feeling he is okay. I can't say I've felt that about every family member I lost, but then none were this close to me. One glimpse of his smiling face and I stop worrying about where he is right now. I'll take the gift wherever it came from.


Here is my prayer for the coming month (and if you are a believer, I hope you pray for us too):

Dear Lord,

I ask that you give my parents the strength to get through this month. Comfort them when they are sad. Lift them up when they are low. Grant them restful nights without nightmares. Help Mom get to a healthier place. And help me, Lord, to be strong for me and for them. Grant me the patience to be there for them even when I want to forget it all.

In Your name I pray, Amen.