Thinking of Him...

I honestly thought April was going to be harder. His birthday. The anniversary. I just thought it'd be a hard month for us all. And it had it's sad moments, but I think May's hitting us all hard. I mean I figured Mothers' Day wouldn't be happy for Mom. But it's all of us and not just that one day.

I keep seeing scenes in the shows or movies I watch or hearing others who are dealing with grief that make me sad and bring me back to those early months. Just this past week, I keep hearing that call and reliving that night. Most times I can just close my eyes and see his smiling face and I'll be okay. But sometimes it just takes a while longer even with his face in my head.

Mom's been having a lot of nightmares and I know Dad keeps thinking about him. It's like my prayer for April to be bearable worked, but it was only like a dam to hold back the sadness and it's spilling over now. It's got me worrying about Mom and Dad more again, not that I'm always all smiles. I feel like I need to be able to check on Mom more. Like I'm worried about leaving her alone at night. Which means a possible weekend away thing won't be happening. Something inside is telling me I shouldn't go.

I'm watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition right now, and the last couple episodes the families have lost someone. For both families, they told them that they need a change and I've heard that about helping to heal one's life after a loss. In both, the family memembers lost died in the homes and rooms were left untouched. I think of Dad. I wish so much for him to get that change. A new home, fixed up, looking nice, without so many ghosts as they put it. And I think of Mom who needs a change just as badly, to get out of the house and to start living again. She'd started to slip into this isolation when her dad died and then when she started working from home. And me. I need a change too. I want to regain that independence I had back in Anaheim and even the smidgeon I had in Norwalk would be nice.

Heh, of all the times I sat down to write a blog this morning and mentally all yesterday, this was so not what I thought I was going to write. I actually was just going to share a video of a cartoon Josh and I loved as kids. I know HAVE to find this on a DVD. Anyway... to end this on a lighter note, here is Robin Hood Daffy from Merrie Melodies in 1958. Enjoy!