It seems I have a new routine. I'm not sure how it got started, but I wish it would stop. For the past week or two, my usual routine of stay up late stalling to clean the kitchen or killing time online til almost dawn has changed. Oh, I still stay up late, but now... now in that really quiet couple of hours before dawn, I cry.
I'm not sure what triggered it. One too many sad conversations or thoughts. I know one day when I first pulled out a CD Josh made, it made me sad when I was playing it. Maybe that was the trigger for that day. But now. Before I do the dishes, after... when I'm trying to fall asleep.... At some point, the slightest sad thing will set me off. I was watching a movie last night, and a kinda sad seen set me off. It was sad enough for a tear or two, no more, under normal circumstances.
I don't know... I try not to cry in front of Mom. Maybe holding back too much for the past few months is trying to break free? I still keep silent, even though she's asleep. Even though I wish I could scream out, I keep silent.
I wish it would stop. It's made for rather depressing couple of weeks. I put up the front when talking to everyone. I don't want to sound like a broken record or bum anyone else out. Funny, considering I encourage everyone else to talk to me so they're not trapped with their thoughts or emotions alone.
On the scary side of things, a minor scare.... I fracked up my banking by paying a bill I only thought I had money for... That's gonna be fun to replace the funds before auto withdrawal payments bounce. >.< Honestly, as careful as I am with banking, I don't know HOW I let that happen.
On a serious side... It's a little scary to hear both your parents talking similarly on being afraid they won't wake up from their sleep and on some level it seems both wouldn't care if they didn't wake up. I know I'm 29 and should be self-sufficient. But whether I am or not I am not ready to lose either one of my parents. Not now. Not yet. I know they're both hurting, but it is still scary to hear however small a degree that they might not mind not waking up one morning. I mean before we heard the autopsy report, we all thought Josh had just given up and his body simply complied. Dear Lord, please help my have the strength to carry on.....
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Getting through life
1 year ago
2 comments:
Mija I am truly sorry that you are going through this right now, and I don't mean to sound like I am giving up on my life. I guess I am just going through a lot and sometimes just have a tough time dealing with it.
Soooo .. yeah .. you know I can really empathize with you... anything can and will set you off.. its called grief.. and you are certainly allowed.
As for your parents.. they love you ... but they are grieving as well... and it may seem that they forget about you ... I know I've said a kabillion times since we lost Brian ... "If I get hit by a bus .... I'm ready to go" or whatever.. meaning .. before Brian died... I'd hold onto life with both hands.. but now that he's gone... some of the light is out .. and it doesnt seem worth holding onto as tightly. Doesnt mean I dont love Jessica.. just means that its really painful to continue everyday knowing your son is gone. I know the old.. "half empty .. half full thing".. I have half my kids left.. still seems shitty either way you look at it.
As time continues.. I have days when I think only happy thoughts of Brian... then there are days when something innocuous will make me hysterical. I dunno my friend... I try to keep looking forward to Jessicas future without reminding myself of what I'll miss with Brian... make sense? Its hard.. but I work at it. :)
As for you ... let yourself cry .. its how we get our feelings and frustrations out.. and keep writing.. I've found that writing about how I feel is really cathartic as well.
And of course you could always come on Facebook and goof off with me in Pirates! and Vampires! and Age of Castles and Mafia Wars.. yayyyyyy! Yeah I know.. next week I'll have something else I'm into :P hehehehehe... I drive Eileen nuts.. :D gotta be good at something right?? ;)
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