And then there was silence....

I don't expect normalcy. Not yet. Especially not this time of month. I don't expect laughter and celebrations. Not unless there's something worth laughing about or celebrating. I don't even expect cheerful moods even 50% of the time. I won't expect it for years to come, I imagine.

But the silence... the silence is almost painful. I know she's not trying to shut me out to be mean. She's hurting and just can't deal. But on those hard days, when she doesn't answer even simple questions or seem to acknowledge speaking of any kind... It's a door slammed in my face. And maybe as a protective mechanism, my first impulse is to be mad at her. To silently curse her for ignoring me.

Not that the anger lasts. Sadness quickly fills it's place. Sad for Mom's sake. Sad for missing my brother. She can't talk about it yet. She can't even talk about him yet. I wish she could. I wish she'd stop dwelling on the why's and the whose-to-blame's. Because while I may choose to cry alone...in silence. The sadness fades away just a little bit when I talk about him with my Dad.

Tomorrow... The next day.... She'll be fine-ish again. She'll be talking to me like normal, well sorta. She'll laugh at the funny things the cats do or the jokes on TV. God, I hope the silence doesn't return every 6th of the month....